Poems

My niece Ninna posted the poem below on her Facebook page and while I was trying to make sure I search for the poem and it's rightful owner before I post it I saw the poem below it from a poem page called runiqu.tumblr.com. I do not have a tumblr page so I decided to copy all the necessary links to give honor to the poet who took time to write it.  I loved reading poems when I was younger and I would pore through every poem you can think of but I liked the dark ones that had a very good message, I would not remember all of them but the ones that stood out I would try to copy and keep.

Going back to the first poem I know it's kind of dark but I love that it deals with life and beauty all at the same time. Read on.


"My brother killed himself
on the twenty-eighth Thursday of last year
and I missed four days of work
and my mom wanted to know ‘Why’.
My brother
he was always a fan of beauty
but what he did
was not beautiful at all.
And last week I got the news
that one of my good friends from high school
had overdosed
(again)
except this time
she’d gone too far
and now she was gone.
And I had a hard time falling asleep at night
and her mother
hugged me tight
and thanked me for coming to the service
but I did not
want to be there at all.
This is not
beautiful.

The girl down the street
would’ve turned 21 last year
and I can scarcely imagine
the wild times she would’ve
(should’ve)
had.
But she is buried six feet deep
after falling nearly 300
and she did not leave a note.
This is not
beautiful.

My freshman year of college
and my roommate was beautiful
and how I wanted to be just like her.
But she wore herself down
till she was
almost invisible
and if you blinked
you had to go and find her all over again.
So now her parents are no longer supporting her college tuition
but are paying her hospital bills
watching their daughter crumble.
This is not
beautiful.

So y’all can take your narcissistic
romanticizing
and glamorizing
of self harm and eating disorders and committing suicide
and shove them as far up your ass
as you possibly can.
Starvation is not beautiful.
Killing yourself is not beautiful.
Sadness
is not beautiful.
This note I am writing
is not beautiful.

But you
you are beautiful
and it’s about damn time you start believing it."
(via @runiqu)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
a note to self 
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you. 

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and  three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment. 

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring. 

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. 

Live.

Live.

Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

— 1 year ago with 210463 notes
#a note to self 

http://provingmyexistence.tumblr.com/post/40570520328/a-note-to-self-1-there-will-be-several-days

Good News

One year ago I received good news that I was getting transferred to Building and Safety together with the good news comes bad news, wagging tongues and envious people. Below was a post I put on facebook just to air out what I was feeling. This shows you how low some people will go to discredit and mar your good name just to make themselves feel good. 

"I was in the other room processing books and she knew I was there, the Friends of the Library President said he was going to be sad to see me go because I was transferring. She said out loudly that oh some people are not meant to work with the public and this community needs special help and she cannot provide it to them."

As I sit here thankful for my current job I wonder where she is, I know she is thinking about me always and saying bad things about me, I am the one that stood up to her and showed her she cannot bully me. She will never grow, she will never be a good person. How sad. Too bad the city employed her. They will never get rid of her. 

Three years ago...

I downloaded this app called Timehop 3 days ago, it shows you your past status updates on different platforms(twitter, facebook, intagram, etc.) for the past 5 years.

Three years ago I had these status updates on my Facebook page. This was before thanksgiving and I had nothing to be thankful for. I'm at my current job for a year now and no matter how tired I get or how long the commute is I would never trade transferring to this job even if they threatened my family(hahahaha.. yeah it was that bad).

 

Today I am thankful I get to work thanksgiving week just for 2 days, I get to bake all the stuff I want to bake =). Yay!

Obsessed

I am obsessed with this guy arranging all these wonderful music.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7A4D9C100657150E

Monterey Park Night Market

Monterey park night market =) - might be nothing to some people but this was a small achievement for me tonight. =) took forever to drive from west la to downtown to pick up my partner in crime but it was worth it. There were a lot of food trucks, food tents, carnival games, tents that sell stocking stuffers and of course a night market will not be complete with the market section.

We tried the local fair instead of going for the food trucks, and it was worth it, everything was mostly $6 and they gave big enough portions to fill you up. Of course we pigged out and got more than we could handle but it was way worth it. Yummy food, good ambiance and I just wished it was nearer or there wasn't that much traffic on the way there, because traversing los angeles from the west to the east was not fun. The freeways were filled to the brim, the side street lights conspired against me by going red every time I passed one.

Calling organizers in the SFV, any future night markets?

New doctor, new blood work, new opinion. I just hope this is the one that will listen and help me with whatever I have. I'm coming back on the 12th of December to see her again regarding my x-rays and my blood work so hopefully I do not have arthritis or something else debilitating. Oh well. We will pray.

For now I'm excited to go to the Monterey Park Night Market. I hope it won't take forever to get there.

Proud

The electric run pictures are out and when I saw them at first and I saw my very puffy face I was in the middle of disappointed and meh.. I thought being able to do the run maybe I would look better just like my old self. I even wore a tutu and I thought it would make me look cute. I haven't been eating more than I have before yet the water weight has not gone down. It's taking forever. I do not want to be big bloated and have a double chin. =( I know it's all superficial but I do not want to look like a slob. Yeah, yeah, I have been sick...

Sitting here now contemplating on adding the pictures to this blog I remembered, 3 months ago I couldn't even run or much less walk without having my ankles puff up like a balloon. I couldn't even stand more than a few minutes without my legs and back hurting. So as I sit here looking at these pictures I feel proud that I got to do it and survived. we ran the first maybe half mile then walked the rest of the way. No cramps, no aches and pains. We were even able to stay for the end of the run party for maybe an hour, took more pictures and went out to get drinks and food at Kush sushi bar in Silverlake.

Nothing

 I spent my middle of the week day off(Veterans Day) at home doing nothing, I tidied up a bit, took a nap, caught up with my shows, went online for a while, looked for recipes and then did nothing. It was nice. I wanted to go grocery shopping at Seafood City or go to the Sherman Oaks Farmers Market early but I decided against it. I went with Mike to the farmers market instead after he came home from work. I decided not to do anything because on Friday(my day off) I am going to see the Rheumatologist and I was thinking why not kill 2 birds with one stone, since I'm going to be out and about I might just as well do everything together, plus I don't have days like these often, where I have no doctor visits or anything else in between. I wish on my next day off I can go to downtown and buy jersey knits/plaids for my future skirts. =)

Longest day ever...

This is getting to be a very long day... I'm so exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally... Choi our fearless supervisor is out for the next three days and I am sort of in charge or just overseeing stuff and I don't think I can handle it. 

I put this status on facebook "Nobody should put me in charge. It brings out the murderous b!?@# in me. I'm bent on having everything perfect. Nothing should go wrong on my watch. #nothingwillstandinmyway

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Right now, right now

Ooh Child - The Five Stairsteps

I figured it out!

I figured it out... my arthritis/illness is powered by the moon. I am part werewolf and I have inflammation or swelling because my bones are getting bigger due to the transformation but since I am just part werewolf  there is no full transformation. So every month before the full moon I will experience pain. That is my diagnosis and I'm sticking to my story. hehehe =)

It's a full moon out there so watch out =)

Chipmunk

I took a picture a few days ago and I feel like my cheeks are bigger, saggier, just like a chipmunks' cheeks. Blah!

Short Dress/ Boots

I was able to wear a short dress today and my new thigh high boots. A big accomplishment in terms of sticking my always bloated, swollen feet into shoes, any shoes for that matter. Yay!