My grandma died today...
I had so much to tell her, so many stories untold, so many hugs left behind...
I regret not being able to see her one last time...
I had a letter for her, a very long one, full of memories, full of stories... the day before I was supposed to email it to Tyrone(my nephew) so he could read it to her I unknowingly spilled water on it inside my bag... I cried... I couldn't write it again because I cried the first time and I felt like it will not have the same meaning... I should have done it anyway... I regret not having her hear what I had to say before she died.
I thought I had enough time, I thought I could give it to my dad when he went home so he could read it to her... He was going home in six days... he was going to be there in six days.. she couldn't wait... I don't blame her.. she was suffering.. she was in pain..
I am in pain.
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Dear Big Mama,
I miss you, I know we haven't been home for a long time but I will always remember all the good times we had when I was growing up. Remember the first time I called you Big Mama? I was in the bathroom waiting for my mom to wash my butt. I kept shouting for her, "Maaaaamaaaaa", you came to the door and asked me if I was calling you, I told you I was calling my mom, you said "I'll do it, I'm your mama too, mama Hana," I insisted that I wanted my mom but you helped me instead, I told you I wanted the small mama not the big mama.
I remember all the horse rides you gave us on your hip, especially to Michael because you liked the way he laughed, you were tireless, but you were very happy.
I remember all those countless times we tried to wake you up in your bedroom at the old house when we came to visit, you had the biggest, softest bed and it was like everyone was always in there trying to take naps.
I loved the smell of the powder you use after you take a shower, I still remember the container you placed it in and that big fat powder puff you used. Hmmm... I loved going to your secret closet with you. It always smelled so nice in there and it seemed like you always had chocolate stashed somewhere.
I vaguely remember our trips to Divisoria to buy yards and yards of cloth so we can go to the dressmaker and have her make us dresses, the market and the grocery store to buy stuff but there is that one grocery store trip I clearly remember because that was the first time I paid attention to what goes into a fruit salad, that was the first time I saw those huge jars of kaong and nata de coco. Remember those large tupperwares of fruit salad and macaroni salad you used to make for Christmas, one of them had cheese in it and I loved chopping those up and eating it. Ang sarap!
You were always fussing and moving about when there were gatherings, it's like you were always either cooking, mixing or serving something, you never sat down until everything was ready,
I learned about oregano from you because you had those growing in the veranda.
I remembered when you always brought me with you to church, my parents told me "samahan mo si lola mo, kawawa walang kasama, gabi na umuuwi" (go with your grandma to church, she needs someone because she comes home late at night). I think they just wanted to keep me out of the house and out of trouble but they tried to mask it with you being alone. I didn't mind. I loved going to church with you, you brought me closer to God.
I miss you lola. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you before you left us.
I love you Lola!
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I am on auto pilot.
