Poems

My niece Ninna posted the poem below on her Facebook page and while I was trying to make sure I search for the poem and it's rightful owner before I post it I saw the poem below it from a poem page called runiqu.tumblr.com. I do not have a tumblr page so I decided to copy all the necessary links to give honor to the poet who took time to write it.  I loved reading poems when I was younger and I would pore through every poem you can think of but I liked the dark ones that had a very good message, I would not remember all of them but the ones that stood out I would try to copy and keep.

Going back to the first poem I know it's kind of dark but I love that it deals with life and beauty all at the same time. Read on.


"My brother killed himself
on the twenty-eighth Thursday of last year
and I missed four days of work
and my mom wanted to know ‘Why’.
My brother
he was always a fan of beauty
but what he did
was not beautiful at all.
And last week I got the news
that one of my good friends from high school
had overdosed
(again)
except this time
she’d gone too far
and now she was gone.
And I had a hard time falling asleep at night
and her mother
hugged me tight
and thanked me for coming to the service
but I did not
want to be there at all.
This is not
beautiful.

The girl down the street
would’ve turned 21 last year
and I can scarcely imagine
the wild times she would’ve
(should’ve)
had.
But she is buried six feet deep
after falling nearly 300
and she did not leave a note.
This is not
beautiful.

My freshman year of college
and my roommate was beautiful
and how I wanted to be just like her.
But she wore herself down
till she was
almost invisible
and if you blinked
you had to go and find her all over again.
So now her parents are no longer supporting her college tuition
but are paying her hospital bills
watching their daughter crumble.
This is not
beautiful.

So y’all can take your narcissistic
romanticizing
and glamorizing
of self harm and eating disorders and committing suicide
and shove them as far up your ass
as you possibly can.
Starvation is not beautiful.
Killing yourself is not beautiful.
Sadness
is not beautiful.
This note I am writing
is not beautiful.

But you
you are beautiful
and it’s about damn time you start believing it."
(via @runiqu)

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
a note to self 
1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you. 

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and  three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment. 

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring. 

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live. 

Live.

Live.

Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up.

— 1 year ago with 210463 notes
#a note to self 

http://provingmyexistence.tumblr.com/post/40570520328/a-note-to-self-1-there-will-be-several-days

Good News

One year ago I received good news that I was getting transferred to Building and Safety together with the good news comes bad news, wagging tongues and envious people. Below was a post I put on facebook just to air out what I was feeling. This shows you how low some people will go to discredit and mar your good name just to make themselves feel good. 

"I was in the other room processing books and she knew I was there, the Friends of the Library President said he was going to be sad to see me go because I was transferring. She said out loudly that oh some people are not meant to work with the public and this community needs special help and she cannot provide it to them."

As I sit here thankful for my current job I wonder where she is, I know she is thinking about me always and saying bad things about me, I am the one that stood up to her and showed her she cannot bully me. She will never grow, she will never be a good person. How sad. Too bad the city employed her. They will never get rid of her. 

Three years ago...

I downloaded this app called Timehop 3 days ago, it shows you your past status updates on different platforms(twitter, facebook, intagram, etc.) for the past 5 years.

Three years ago I had these status updates on my Facebook page. This was before thanksgiving and I had nothing to be thankful for. I'm at my current job for a year now and no matter how tired I get or how long the commute is I would never trade transferring to this job even if they threatened my family(hahahaha.. yeah it was that bad).

 

Today I am thankful I get to work thanksgiving week just for 2 days, I get to bake all the stuff I want to bake =). Yay!

Obsessed

I am obsessed with this guy arranging all these wonderful music.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7A4D9C100657150E

Monterey Park Night Market

Monterey park night market =) - might be nothing to some people but this was a small achievement for me tonight. =) took forever to drive from west la to downtown to pick up my partner in crime but it was worth it. There were a lot of food trucks, food tents, carnival games, tents that sell stocking stuffers and of course a night market will not be complete with the market section.

We tried the local fair instead of going for the food trucks, and it was worth it, everything was mostly $6 and they gave big enough portions to fill you up. Of course we pigged out and got more than we could handle but it was way worth it. Yummy food, good ambiance and I just wished it was nearer or there wasn't that much traffic on the way there, because traversing los angeles from the west to the east was not fun. The freeways were filled to the brim, the side street lights conspired against me by going red every time I passed one.

Calling organizers in the SFV, any future night markets?

New doctor, new blood work, new opinion. I just hope this is the one that will listen and help me with whatever I have. I'm coming back on the 12th of December to see her again regarding my x-rays and my blood work so hopefully I do not have arthritis or something else debilitating. Oh well. We will pray.

For now I'm excited to go to the Monterey Park Night Market. I hope it won't take forever to get there.

Proud

The electric run pictures are out and when I saw them at first and I saw my very puffy face I was in the middle of disappointed and meh.. I thought being able to do the run maybe I would look better just like my old self. I even wore a tutu and I thought it would make me look cute. I haven't been eating more than I have before yet the water weight has not gone down. It's taking forever. I do not want to be big bloated and have a double chin. =( I know it's all superficial but I do not want to look like a slob. Yeah, yeah, I have been sick...

Sitting here now contemplating on adding the pictures to this blog I remembered, 3 months ago I couldn't even run or much less walk without having my ankles puff up like a balloon. I couldn't even stand more than a few minutes without my legs and back hurting. So as I sit here looking at these pictures I feel proud that I got to do it and survived. we ran the first maybe half mile then walked the rest of the way. No cramps, no aches and pains. We were even able to stay for the end of the run party for maybe an hour, took more pictures and went out to get drinks and food at Kush sushi bar in Silverlake.

Nothing

 I spent my middle of the week day off(Veterans Day) at home doing nothing, I tidied up a bit, took a nap, caught up with my shows, went online for a while, looked for recipes and then did nothing. It was nice. I wanted to go grocery shopping at Seafood City or go to the Sherman Oaks Farmers Market early but I decided against it. I went with Mike to the farmers market instead after he came home from work. I decided not to do anything because on Friday(my day off) I am going to see the Rheumatologist and I was thinking why not kill 2 birds with one stone, since I'm going to be out and about I might just as well do everything together, plus I don't have days like these often, where I have no doctor visits or anything else in between. I wish on my next day off I can go to downtown and buy jersey knits/plaids for my future skirts. =)

Longest day ever...

This is getting to be a very long day... I'm so exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally... Choi our fearless supervisor is out for the next three days and I am sort of in charge or just overseeing stuff and I don't think I can handle it. 

I put this status on facebook "Nobody should put me in charge. It brings out the murderous b!?@# in me. I'm bent on having everything perfect. Nothing should go wrong on my watch. #nothingwillstandinmyway

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get be brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Right now, right now

Ooh Child - The Five Stairsteps

I figured it out!

I figured it out... my arthritis/illness is powered by the moon. I am part werewolf and I have inflammation or swelling because my bones are getting bigger due to the transformation but since I am just part werewolf  there is no full transformation. So every month before the full moon I will experience pain. That is my diagnosis and I'm sticking to my story. hehehe =)

It's a full moon out there so watch out =)

Chipmunk

I took a picture a few days ago and I feel like my cheeks are bigger, saggier, just like a chipmunks' cheeks. Blah!

Short Dress/ Boots

I was able to wear a short dress today and my new thigh high boots. A big accomplishment in terms of sticking my always bloated, swollen feet into shoes, any shoes for that matter. Yay!

Mudderella 10-04-2014

I think was around January when Yvette and I started signing up for Muderella, we wanted to do something like this last year but due to a scheduled wedding, I had no partner in crime so we signed up for this year. I was so excited, new job, new schedule and now new stuff to do for the year. I was kind of scared because we signed up way too early and I was thinking what if something happens, were not trained and we cannot do it. I pushed that to the back of my mind and started biking to the park (10 miles from home), swimming on weekends or whenever I can to train for it. I shouldn't have entertained the thought of something bad happening because something did.

These past few months I have been sick, sick to the point where all I can do most days is lay down, hope the swelling in my foot transfer to other parts of my body so I can either sit up or at least go to the restroom. What brought it on, I do not know. All I know is that one day I woke up one leg is swollen and won't even fit in my shoes. I thought I brought the wrong pair again and I'd have to return it. Then the next day two of them were swollen and wearing pants was making my back hurt and was constricting the flow of blood in my body. I started wearing dresses and bigger underwear, because nothing would fit. The doctor did not care to give me the proper medicine right away and I blame them for most of it.

Two weeks before the event I started getting better because finally they gave me some medicine to keep the swelling down as well as to deal with the arthritis. Not that it's working now but finally I was seeing progress and yay finally we were going to be able to do the Mud Run. I still wasn't in shape but heck why not. We paid a lot of money to be there and I will be there.

I didn't get to do all the obstacles but I had fun on the slides and the ones that I did. Will I do it again? Not when I'm sick, maybe when I get better and I have this arthritis/lupus under control.

I'm just thankful Yvette had so much patience waiting for me on the walks, and when I was having cramps.

http://youtu.be/rYfE5jDrIBo

The Secret of Moonacre

I was watching kids movies while I was recuperating and this is one of those movies where I wish I could wear the costumes. They were period costumes but they had patterns in between the bustle, crinolette, tafetta and all the other good stuff the costumes were made of. It also helped that the story was entertaining but I wish they would show these costumes the Fashion Institute in LA so I can visit them =)

Journey

We watched the Steve Miller Band and the Journey concert yesterday with my parents, it was a birthday gift for my dad and we decided to tag along.

The Steve Miller band was better than I expected, not that I tried to listen to any of their songs before we got there but somehow in my mind I always thought of them as a country band (not that my dad would ever get caught listening to country music). Maybe it's because of that space cowboy song.

The Journey concert was a bit if I may say boring. There was too much drum, guitar and piano solo which I think they could have done without. Even though I understood why they did it, it was to highlight all the members of the band who contributed to making of all their albums. It wasn't a concert about just them singing all their greatest hits and their new album but it was a celebration of the original crew members. It would have been nice on a documentary but in a concert it just made it a little 'meh' if I may say so.

The one thing I enjoyed though is the background they had for each song. It was very cool.

Ground Hog Day

I started watching ground hog day last night and as always I fall asleep when the story starts to get interesting, when I finally figured I won't be able to finish it I decided to get ready for bed and ___ in for the night, thing is though when I got to bed I couldn't sleep, so I decided to lay on the couch again to finally finish this show and I'm glad I did, I might watch it again from beginning to end since I missed a huge chunk of the movie which now I'm bummed about because I bet it would have been funny,

-----Spoiler Alert--------

I missed the part where he tried to commit suicide several times since he figured out that the day will keep on repeating itself but eventually he decided to make do with the situation and just go with it.

He started taking piano lessons and that made me think, if I had a ground hog day I would do the same thing, learn the piano, violin, cello, and the guitar =)

He also started being nice to everybody, he started helping out in the community and he started making a difference. What was sad though was that there was an old man that started dying on that day, whatever he did he always ended up dead, the nurse said because he was just old.

Thing is though I didn't reach the part where they introduced his character so I'm not sure why he was being punished, I kind of got that he was rude to his co-workers so maybe the day was teaching him how to be humble and nice.

-------------

My questions for the day is: Are you nice enough each day to make a difference to someone? Do you smile at people around you or do you just walk past everybody and ignore them like you don't see them?

------------

I was a very shy person, I'm not good with names, I'm okay with faces and my eyesight was horrible when I was a kid so I used to just look at the ground when I walk outside to avoid people telling my parents or anyone who would listen that I was a snob just because I failed to say hi to them.

I'm not sure when I started but I think I was in 5th grade when I started looking up, I smiled at everyone and anyone who would cross paths with me, I heard from someone that a smile usually brightens a persons day, so I just did it, it got me in trouble most times because guys would think I was interested and started smiling back. What I noticed though and I remember was my first person I smiled at. My brother and I was on our way to school, we were riding a tricycle and the driver took a shortcut. As we were passing through this heavily populated residential area and we passed by this girl and I just smiled at her and she smiled back, my brother asked me if I knew her and I told him I didn't.

It felt wonderful, I hope I made her day because it made mine.

I still feel good just smiling at random people these days, I remember meeting my angels in the bus when I smiled at them. I just think the world would be a better place if people looked up more, smiled more and participated more.

Ice cream

I wish I can eat ice cream right now.  B-)

THINGS TO DO...

FIRST POSTED July 8, 2005

WHILE I'M STILL HERE... I WANT TO..at least get half of this done.. hehehe.. i wish... i didn't want to put before I die coz what if I die tomorrow... let's be optimistic...

-Visit Peru
-Visit Europe- wow I think Iceland made me feel like I really should not go to europe this year...
-Go on a week long road trip -finally getting my wish wahoo... NC to Miami c/o Louie and Mare's wedding.. I'm in miami b*tch hehehe...
-Visit the Carribbean
-Travel around the Philippines(hike, boat/kayak,camp, plane)/ visit all the islands

-Ride a hot air balloon
-Go Rock climbing (indoor/outdoor)Go to Chicago and visit Brenda -08/04/2012 woohoo =)
-Visit the Inca Trails/Machu Picchu
-Go to San Francisco (done this already 4 times now 5-28-05, 7-1-, 3-11-06,5-31-08)
-Go on a Sagada trip( it's a trip in the caves in the Philippines)
-Establish my own business
-Visit Stonehendge
-Go on a Halloween Maze (went to knotts scary farm don't think that counts tho)
-Go snorkelling / scuba diving and say hello to the fishies - Catalina or anywhere(snorkelling in Scorpion Island- saw s-ting rays and little blue fishies.. i want more) - We did this in hawaii.. we said hello to the dolphins too it was awesome..
-Go sky diving ( i hope i go through this...)---I DID IT 4-16-05 with tes,mads,mitzi,keli,nas,rhodora,archie 4-16-05
-Go Parasailing
-Go on a South African Adventure
-Go surfing (again hehehehe) JUNE 2004 with mike&louie / Sept 2006 in Hawaii =)
-Go sailing
-Go kayaking (around an island or from one island to the next mwahah) (went kayaking in Scorpion Island July/2004 and Aug/2005 if i have my dates right)
-Walk to the top of the Statue of Liberty-=) OMG I never imagined they would open it up again.. I  wasn't able to go to the top but I was at the foot of lady liberty yay! April 2008
-Play baseball / softball
-Study Ballroom Dancing and dress fancy(tried a 1 day class and I loved it, if only my sched did not change.. looking for a new class)
-Lose 20 lbs. (4 more hehehehe =) as of 6-6-2008 hehehe...) OMG I can't believe I'm at my weight goal.. 120 yahooo...3-23-09
-Run a marathon - are we going to do this this year allen? (damn Allen I need to step up huh) Okay so I'm starting with fun 5k runs(Color Me Rad 06-22-2013, Muderella 10-04-2014), I may yet surprise myself and train for this
-Go on a nature trip-does San Diego Zoo count as a Nature trip? hahahaha -omg we went on the Santa Barbara Botanical garden, so awesome.. I love it.. walking through the creek was awesome...
-Go snowboarding/skiing (snwbrd-03-18-2006-Big Bear, 3-19-2010 Utah Snowboarding, and everything on my multiply page.. too many dates hahaha and too lazy to put them here... when I get the time I will...)
-Rent a lodge in the mountains (03/17-19/2006 Big Bear)
-Eat something exotic - balut is not exotic enough hahahaha -rabbit at Stinking Rose(well my bro had it but I tried it too :P), stomach, large intestine and small intestine at soot bull gui rim and another korean restaurant..
-Try and do something like amazing race
-Join a triathlon
-Be successful in my work - work that I want to do and I enjoy like travelling or programming... well if I consider my job now I think I'm successful at it.. I've been there 7 years...- i'm at the library now.. slowly i will climb to where i want to be.. yay!!!
-Go on a religious pilgrimage
-Go to medjougorje ( if that's how you spell it)
-Go to Israel and visit the holy land and the place where they said there was this bath house where even if you bathe in the water you won't get wet.
-Go and swim in the Dead Sea, if I can...
-Visit all the states of the US (so far i've been to California(San Francisco, San Jose, Pleasanton, Hollywood, Santa Barbara, Big Bear), New York(NY, Buffalo, Niagara Falls), Boston, Nevada(Las Vegas, Reno), Arizona(Grand Canyon), District of Columbia, Virginia, Utah(Salt Lake City-snowboarding), North Carolina, South Carolina, Florida(Miami, Florida Keys, South Beach, Miami Beach), Wisconsin(John and Steph's wedding), Chicago
-Go to Mexico-visit the Aztec and Mayan Ruins- wahooo....
-Go to Canada (4-26-09 Niagara Falls, visited kuya Jacque and tita Myra)
-Go to Australia and look for Belle and her cute babies and be like allen and climb the bridge...www.bridgeclimb.com.au - gaya gaya hehehe
-Go to Thailand
-Get a cat (himalayan if possible, if not i'd like a siamese) - Michael has a cat and her name is Chloe and I absolutely love her. I married him because of her hahaha, jk
-Get a dog (chow chow, st bernard, shitzu, cockapoo or any dog will do except those small rat like dogs) - 2013 My parents got two so they are mine too hehehe =),  Chief(Pit Bull, German Shepherd mix), Andie(Dacshund, Chihuahua mix) - I love these dogs but Chief is my favorite =), Andie the rat keeps on licking my face from the back of the couch when I'm trying to relax, I find it a little creepy =)

-Own a house(a big one so I can have lots of ppl over)
-Own a convertible

-Go white water rafting - Been doing this for a couple of years now up in the Kern River...

-Go to Hawaii - either swim with the dolphins or ride a submarine - wahooo thanks to Tes and John's wedding we'll be there from Sept 7 to 12 wahooo, went to Maui for our honeymoon in October 2012, Big Island 2013(stayed on Hilo side but visited Kona for 1 day)

-Watch a Broadway show(Les Mis, Cats, Miss saigon, Lion King, Wicked etc.) - We watched a Broadway show in NY but I forgot the title.. so that's one mwehhee...

-Visit Palau - swim at jellyfish lake, try the milky way mud pack - thanks TFC for showing me this place

-Drive a Stick Shift

-Get my belly button pierced

Have more than one ear piercing

I'll try to live my life to the fullest and do half of my list hahaha... and probably drink like there is no tomorow and there is no solution to my problems and pass out on the floor hahaha... - I don't pass out on the floor.. I don't think I ever did this.. maybe at the San Fran pride next week hahaha...

i think snowboarding with the instructors at b*@& #^ trying to scold you when you're trying to do your best would be punishment enough in life.. mwahhaha... - dont know why i put this here hahaha... I was probably so pissed the the instructors at that place up in the mountains hahaha...

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07/30/2014 About time

I just saw the movie 'about time' and it made me think.

Do I want to travel back in time?

I do.

For those who do not know me I'm a brooder if there ever was such a word, I brood about stupid things I've done during the day, stuff I didn't say right, or didn't have the courage to say. Sometimes my stupid mind brings me back to scenes from long ago, stuff that I should have forgotten by now. Stuff that has no business in my real life.

I don't think I was always like this, I always thought of myself as a fairly happy person with a positive outlook in life. I don't think I would concentrate on thinking too much. I know I was always wired up thinking of my next trip or adventure. These days though I've been thinking more and brooding more. Maybe it's because finally I caught up with life. I used to feel that I had things I needed to do all the time and that I never had enough time to do them. Maybe that's what stopped me from brooding too much but these days I find myself more relaxed but this opens the floodgates to all my memories. That is why I like the idea of travelling through time.

I told my husband if I could go back in time I would have love to have met him sooner, not only to spend more time with but I wish he met the Ollie that wasn't sick most days with who knows what, the Ollie that could stay up late everyday and still go to work early feeling like a rock star, the Ollie that didn't care about the past too much and what could have beens. The Ollie that had the energy to go do things.

I would love to have the opportunity to see what could have happened if I unmet some people, or maybe met some people at a different point or part of my life. I don't think I would have created a big rift but then again in the movie it showed that whatever happened, if it was meant to be it was meant to be, which means in terms of meeting my awesome friends I would have met them regardless of how things happen, which is still a double edged sword because it also means I would have met the people I wanted to forget no matter what. Drats!  Maybe I could just avoid them. Hahaha...

Thing is though my husband said he was very different when he was younger and he didn't know if I could have handled him, I told him maybe I could have matched him, we don't know.

It makes me realize that there really is a reason why we meet people at the time we meet them. Because they serve a purpose, but I still would love to be able to change some small things if I could.

I loved the movie and I would recommend it to everybody.