"I did not expect to be me for an entire lifetime."
-Don Nace 

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The Morning After I Killed Myself

writingsforwinter:

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.



http://writingsforwinter.tumblr.com/post/128502740525/the-morning-after-i-killed-myself

This could only happen to me...

So I ran out of gas, for the first time in 15 years, not bad eh. For the first time though I was not only part of traffic, I was the cause of traffic. Everything was okay though except for this one bus that kept honking at me to get out of the way. You foo, you think I'd be here if  I could go? Being stranded on the side of the road is not where I want to be right now.

I was not mindful of my gas gauge... I was really thinking i can get all the way to magnolia and get gas at the shell...

I was supposed to stop at the gas station on sunset but I was avoiding this other car who cut me off so I passed that and a mile away my car started losing power, I was thinking oh gosh there goes my gas... And fire the first time in my life, I was part of the traffic problem... Tsk tsk tsk...

Convo with the aaa
I'm almost there, there's a lot of traffic, I'm yeah I think I'm causing it, he laughed, nah he said it's just traffic ay this time, I just called to let you know that I didn't forget you, in on my way, I was like oh dying worry about it, take your time, I'm not going anywhere, hehehe...

It's been a while.. sometimes I forget...

It's been a while since I've been sick.
I still feel like I am because my weight and the bloating hasn't come down.
It's like the last 10lbs that you need to lose when you're exercising and you have this goal in mind.

I feel better these days but sometimes I forget.
How awful it was when I was sick.
How bloated my feet would get.
How I couldn't even stand to go to the bathroom.

I have to think about the positive stuff though.
I need to be thankful.
That I can go to the bathroom without any pain.
That I can go to work, go home and still be able to do stuff.

It's been a while and sometimes I forget.
I shouldn't be too hard on myself.
It will come.
It's been a year and I'm way better than before.

The search for the ultimate Halo-Halo =)

When we moved to Sherman Oaks I found that there were a lot of Filipino restaurants in the area and of course if there are Filipino restaurants, there will be desserts as well so I hit a few Filipino spots to get Halo-halo, not all of them were good and I forgot to take pictures in my haste to taste them so I am now in search for the best Halo-halo in the valley. I will update this post as my search continues.

1. Jollibee halo-halo
Price: $4.35 as of 11/14/2014
This picture does not do the justice of first seeing their halo-halo because as always I did not charge my phone and my battery ran out before I was able to take a picture. It looked very good, with 2 small scoops of a yellow(langka) and purple(ube) ice cream. The halo halo ingredients though did not satisfy my craving, I know the ice was already half melted by the time I was able to get to it but I think there was not enough. a few pieces of green and red kaong or jelly, some red beans, a few pieces of coconut. I just think for the price they should have put more in there. A plus though was the spoon fit the top and it was able to scoop out the halo-halo easily.

2. Red Ribbon Halo Halo

Price:  

Hallelujah for the first ever halo-halo cup that has a top big enough for you to fit not only your spoon but the halo-halo with it as well. I loved how this halo-halo looked like it had enough sahog(ingredients) in them to warrant a real true halo-halo where people did not skimp or it and just filled it 3/4 with ice. They advertised this halo-halo as having real mangoes in them and they did not disappoint, it had a good amount of sweet mangoes, even the ice cream was mango ice cream too. I thought there was too much mangoes that it made me think I was eating a frozen mango dessert instead of halo halo(I know too much complaining, not enough, way too much, make up your mind).

It was not too sweet but that's where the sweetness of the mangoes came in, it complemented the dessert. I never had mangoes in my halo-halo but I guess we can put whatever we want in it anyway that's why it's halo-halo. Overall I think this dessert was a good size, with enough ingredients to make me happy. 

3. Chowing 08/05/2016


There's a reason why I don't remember if their halo-halo was good or not, it was because it was forgettable.  As I was having their halo-halo yesterday I remembered why,  it was because the ice to the actual halo-halo ingredients ratio was 3:1, there was not enough beans, kaong, fruit,  flan or ice cream to satisfy your cravings,  it was just like every other thing they have on their menu,  their servings are too small,  they make me feel like I was still in the Philippines and they were just like the local carinderia where they count every piece they put on your plate.

This was not the chowing halo-halo I remembered from back home.  I remembered after Sunday mass when we had halo-halo they'd serve it in this huge banana split kind of glass and it would overflow with ingredients.  Why when you are in America and everything is cheaper do you scrimp on ingredients.

4. Good Ha 07/07/2016

Their halo-halo looked very promising, It looked like it had a lot of yummy halo-halo ingredients, but alas just like people who try to use fillers they used a lot of gulaman, they were flavored gulaman, like red had a tangy strawberry taste to it, the green I think had a pandan taste, still I was left wanting more beans, kaong and the other good stuff. They gave you a lot of ice cream on top though so that was a plus.

Coloring Pages

I've been coloring a lot lately to keep myself busy and stop from playing games on my phone and on my tablet. I was a little intimidated at first because there are so many possibilities I can color them and so many ways for them to look ugly. I bought this 60 piece gel pen that helps sparkle my world hehehe...

It's now September and guess what we did last weekend? We went kayaking in Castaic Lake yay! Since we are now in the process of buying a house we can also buy a kayak as well. Yay!

My cousin killed himself last night..

My cousin killed himself last night...
all because of love(?)

I know him, I saw him a few times but I did not grow up with him, I did not grow up knowing him and what he was like. I wonder now, what was he like, what made him laugh, what made him cry, then the question... what drove him to do it, what drove him to give up..

I talked to my best friend today, told him what happened. He said it was sad that he didn't think to ask for help. He said he went through something like that he said he just kept it, he seemed okay, functioned as he always does and nobody knew... nobody will know... not until you reach out and call for help.

I'm here if you need help...

And the answer to my question is...

Don't you just hate it when you ask a person several questions and they answer it with something else.

Someone was asking me to add them on Facebook and when I'm not familiar with who they are I ask the standard questions,  are you a relative and who are your parents (only if they have the same last name)? Where did we meet? (school, org, etc.)

And they answered me with...wait for it.... I'm from Isabella.

Like that should make any sense.

#facepalm

Baby Steps

Due to illness related constraints I cannot stand for very long periods of time.

If I go to work in the morning and go about whatever it is I do at work and my feet aren't that big and too puffed up I can at least cook dinner, cut vegetables while sitting down and occasionally stirring the pot. This is why I've been making soup for dinner because most of their recipes just calls for you to saute the ingredients together, wait 15 mins, add soup and forget for the next 15-20 mins. 

Lately I've been making and achieving little goals. It first started with being able to go to the restaurant and picking up food, then having dinner or lunch, then it was being able to go to the grocery.

I know I overdid it when we just went to Mudderella(7 miles) straight on from being sick for 2 months then well enough to do normal stuff for 2 weeks. I signed up for another run, but this is just 5k(3.5 miles) of the Electric Run . So hopefully it won't be as bad as before.  

This list here are my baby goals... goals I wish to achieve after I meet with the Rheumatologist (finally!) in the next few weeks.

- go to the Studio City/ Sherman Oaks Farmers Market
           - 10/26/14 Studio City Farmers Market
           - 11/11/14 Sherman Oaks Market

- go to the El Monte Night Market - wohoo I think we can do this =)
           - yay it's 11/21/2014 and I don't feel as great but I bought hopia from Kalesa Grill yesterday  
             after my  doctor's visit to bring to my mom so they can taste it, which means I'm commited
             to going to this today =). I did it! and it was so much fun!

- go biking to Lake Balboa
           - 03/22/2015 we joined the Ciclavia bike ride and we did 12.52 miles round trip. With the rate              I'm going I might be able to go camping this summer yay!

- go to the beach(Redondo pier) and walk around like we used to do before and eat crab =)
          - we did this for my birthday yay!  04/18/2015

- go to my parents and bring the dogs to the park
          - 05/01/2015 we've been doing this several weekends for the past few months now so it's great                yay!

- go to Mike's Parents and just spend the day without being too bloated

          - Thanksgiving dinner will be at Jonathan's and Beth's this year because they have the twins and can't travel too much with 3 babies in tow. So hopefully the day will be good.

It's been 4 months now(11/01/2014) since I've gotten sick, I'm so tired of all these crazy HMO rules and freaking transferring to doctors that do not care. I moved to PPO and hopefully I can just up and go and move on to another doctor when I need to. I can't wait for January.

So here are my goals hopefully I can do most of them before the end of the year. I'm so tired of being sick all the time....

05/01/2015 Update
The Rheumatologist was a failed attempt at getting better. She prescribed another cancer medicine that not only made me sicker but it started to affect my liver. It wouldn't have sounded so bad if she told me right away, she told me 2 weeks after my blood work was faxed to her, Dr. Firooz did not review my charts until she saw was sitting in front of me. Who wouldn't be pissed off when your doctor looks at your chart and starts saying "oh my gosh, this is bad!" Your liver is not doing good." Then looks clueless afterwards, I told her I kept asking you last time you saw me if my kidneys and liver is okay and you kept saying yes, I told her don't tell me you did not check. It pissed her incompetent ass off that I told her that. I told her I know you are trying but you have to make sure I don't get sicker. To make the story short, I was fine last time she saw me, I should stop the meds she gave me and I need more blood work and she still doesn't know what's wrong with me. She didn't even tell me our session is done, she told me she'll schedule something and left.

She was always late to her appointments, 1-2 hours late, entertaining medical representatives when she has 5 patients waiting for her, looks at your chart when she sees you and she just keeps on typing on her laptop while you tell her what's wrong with you. She's trying to be modern but it comes across as being pre-occupied and un-caring. She just drained me every time I saw her.

For the past three months now I've been seeing Dr Mao and it seems to be promising,  I'm taking herbal medicine and this anti-inflammatory supplement and so far I have had little swelling in my legs and feet, I feel more energetic to do stuff, I still get tired some weekends but it's tolerable because some weekends I can just go and do anything and everything.

 Published on

11/1/14 6:35 PM

Pacific Standard Time

 Published on
11/21/14 10:06 AM
Pacific Daylight Time

My grandma died today

My grandma died today...

I had so much to tell her, so many stories untold, so many hugs left behind...

I regret not being able to see her one last time...

I had a letter for her, a very long one, full of memories, full of stories... the day before I was supposed to email it to Tyrone(my nephew) so he could read it to her I unknowingly spilled water on it inside my bag... I cried... I couldn't write it again because I cried the first time and I felt like it will not have the same meaning... I should have done it anyway... I regret not having her hear what I had to say before she died.

I thought I had enough time, I thought I could give it to my dad when he went home so he could read it to her... He was going home in six days... he was going to be there in six days.. she couldn't wait... I don't blame her.. she was suffering.. she was in pain..

I am in pain.

________

Dear Big Mama,

I miss you, I know we haven't been home for a long time but I will always remember all the good times we had when I was growing up. Remember the first time I called you Big Mama? I was in the bathroom waiting for my mom to wash my butt. I kept shouting for her, "Maaaaamaaaaa", you came to the door and asked me if I was calling you, I told you I was calling my mom, you said "I'll do it, I'm your mama too, mama Hana," I insisted that I wanted my mom but you helped me instead, I told you I wanted the small mama not the big mama.

I remember all the horse rides you gave us on your hip, especially to Michael because you liked the way he laughed, you were tireless, but you were very happy.

I remember all those countless times we tried to wake you up in your bedroom at the old house when we came to visit, you had the biggest, softest bed and it was like everyone was always in there trying to take  naps.

I loved the smell of the powder you use after you take a shower, I still remember the container you placed it in and that big fat powder puff you used. Hmmm... I loved going to your secret closet with you. It always smelled so nice in there and it seemed like you always had chocolate stashed somewhere.

I vaguely remember our trips to Divisoria to buy yards and yards of cloth so we can go to the dressmaker and have her make us dresses, the market and the grocery store to buy stuff but there is that one grocery store trip I clearly remember because that was the first time I paid attention to what goes into a fruit salad, that was the first time I saw those huge jars of kaong and nata de coco. Remember those large tupperwares of fruit salad and macaroni salad you used to make for Christmas, one of them had cheese in it and I loved chopping those up and eating it. Ang sarap!

You were always fussing and moving about when there were gatherings, it's like you were always either cooking, mixing or serving something, you never sat down until everything was ready,

I learned about oregano from you because you had those growing in the veranda.

I remembered when you always brought me with you to church, my parents told me "samahan mo si lola mo, kawawa walang kasama, gabi na umuuwi" (go with your grandma to church, she needs someone because she comes home late at night). I think they just wanted to keep me out of the house and out of trouble but they tried to mask it with you being alone. I didn't mind. I loved going to church with you, you brought me closer to God.

I miss you lola. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you before you left us.

I love you Lola!
________

I am on auto pilot.

It's been a while

Wow I didn't realize it's been a month since I've been here.. Let me think what has happened.

1. I met with my new doctor and she started me on a new medication. Imuran. She is taking me off Prednisone because my face looks like a chipmunk's face full of food but she said the arthritis markers are still high on my blood test. So hopefully this new medication will help.

2. I'm working on a project with my husband, we are building a photo booth from scratch and throwing out the old one. So far we have the stand, the lights and I am in the process of ordering the stands for the lights and the backdrop. He is building me the box that will house all the photo booth equipment and so far it's been good.

3. Work has been okay lately(meaning yesterday), maybe it's because I feel my face getting smaller so I'm feeling better. I even ran down the stairs at work yesterday to run after a guy that said he was leaving when he thought his plan checker was not there. It was a nice workout and I'm glad I caught him in time.

My Motto for this month and I should say this to myself every time I get a chance: SMILE!

I feel like smiling helps alleviate my foul mood caused by incompetent people.