Anniversary Trip 2016

So after 2 years of being sick and not being able to do anything aside from trying to get better we are now going on a week long trip for our annual anniversary vacation. Yay!

We are going to the Central Coast I think is what they call it, Monterey, Carmel by the Sea and Pismo Beach. I can't wait. Pictures and blog after the trip.

Monterey was a very nice small area, it is advisable to have a hotel right near the Pier or Cannery Row. We got a room at The Monterey Hotel, it was built in 1904 and during that time it was considered modern because it had indoor plumbing. The rooms were probably standard rooms but as they jammed in a king size bed, an armoire that looked like it's hand carved and it could lead the way to Narnia, a writing desk that was very ornate and 2 night tables, it seemed a little cramped. It was nice that we were on the 4th floor though because we did not have to worry about people looking into the room so we were able to open the shutters and enjoy the sunrise and sunset on the 2 days we were there.

On our second day we rode the bus to the aquarium and walked back to our hotel through Cannery Row.

Trend

I noticed a trend in my writing. I write more when I'm full of emotion, either very happy or very sad. You can gauge how well I'm feeling by the amount of posts I write. Otherwise I would diagnose me as being okay when I do not write, meaning I'm trying to enjoy life and not be caught up staring at the screen too much. I will try to write more to just chronicle my adventures and misadventures. I figured being forgetful these days it's better to write everything down. =)

My uncle died on Thursday(05/26/2016) and I still haven't written anything about it on my page. I felt like I was not his daughter or his next of kin and I did not want to step over anybody's toes. I wanted to make sure they had the wake set up already before I started writing.

He is the glue that connects the family, he makes it a point to call people from time to time. Ask how they are, what they are doing, the thing is though he always ends up with how he thinks your life is wrong because you are doing it this way or that way, now it sounds funny because he always ends up telling you how fucked you are and this is what you should do. You always end up upset and wondering why you answered the phone in the first place.

If you ask people on the street they know him as Rambo if they know him from his military days, he was a bad ass in his days, he knows all the gangs in LA. Thing is though most people don't really associate him with being that bad ass if you ask them how they know him. He was a very nice guy to everyone, at one point in time he either fed/cooked for them, he gave them a place to stay, introduced people that gave them the clothes on their back, gave them a car, found them something they really needed or just was there to talk to them when they needed it, it was with a case of beer but hey, they all know him as being kind.

What I remember when we were staying with him for several months when we first got here was there was never a day that we had no food on the table for breakfast, lunch or dinner. He was an awesome cook and he always made sure we were fed, we were fat by the time we got out of his house.

He's gone and I'm kind of sad and glad, sad he passed on too early, he was a character. Glad because at least he's not suffering anymore.

For Good

This song is for all who has touched my life, passed through it and made a difference.

=-=-=-=-=-=

(Elphaba)
I'm limited
Just look at me
I'm limited
And just look at you you can do all I couldn't do
Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you

(Glinda)
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba)
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda)
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba)
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done, you blame me for

(Glinda)
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both)
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda)
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba)
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird
In the wood (Harmony over Glinda)

(Both)
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda)
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba)
Because I knew you...

(Both)
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Wicked - For Good Lyrics

Broken

Some days I get sad...

I just feel like when I met Michael I was broken already.

Maybe I just feel that way now because I can't do anything, go anywhere or even wake up long enough to watch a movie at night.

I feel so helpless and so broken.

I just want to scream.... aaaaghhhhhhh.... FIX ME ALREADY!!!!!!

Beautiful

I always thought women are pretty.  All shapes,  all sizes,  all ages.  Skinny women can fit into any dress size they want, they always look athletic even when they don't do anything. Bigger women on the other hand had something i always wanted, an ample bosom and butt, having the right equipment they always wore dresses that always looked very flowy and feminine. Older women I always admired because they had that I've been thru enough crap in this world i don't need to be bothered by your petty ideas and I will dress and be whoever I want,  leave me alone attitude.

The thing is though being my 25 self, pressured by everyone around me being skinny I strived to be that person, 110lbs, exercising 4 days a week,  eating rice only for lunch, outdoor activities every weekend. I did eventually get her, 5 years later I was at my peak, thing is what I noticed though is I lost what little butt and boobs I had, clothes didn't  fit so well, so I  took it back to 120, that seemed to be my happy medium. I was obsessed with numbers on the scale.  

I made sure though I didn't become that annoying friend that always reminds everybody to exercise and eat healthy,  I don't volunteer any information until they ask.  I always thought we would die in our 80s or 90s and if you were happy eating cake everyday (this would be me if I had my way) who am I  to stop you. 

At 34 I got married and got more comfortable, we went biking every weekend, hiking the other days we don't  bike we go on random trips, we were even learning snowboarding. I was a little concerned though that I was gaining weight,  I didn't like it. It was more a matter of l like my clothes and don't want to buy new ones kind of thing. 

And then I got sick. My feet started swelling, and then my tummy, none of my clothes really fit. To get to work i had to trade in my size 6 and 8 pants for size 12 and 13, my loungerie were now all xl, my short  dresses became the long flowy stretchy ones to hide my swelling. And then to top it all off my face was not only puffing up from a lot of the medicine they were giving me but I was losing my hair too.

I stopped having my picture taken,  I stopped swimming, biking and doing anything else because none of my exercise clothes fit. Easy fix  you say, just buy new ones. I know I probably sound like I'm making excuses but when you wake up and feel like the world has been tipped over several times just to see if you'd fell dizzy you wouldn't want to do anything. When you look down at your legs and feet and they don't look like they're yours,  you get discouraged. When bending to get something or just putting your socks on feels like you're doing it like a pregnant woman would do it, all you want to do is cry. When people start telling you you've added weight and should exercise and eat right and judge you like you ate too much ice cream and all you want to do is punch them in the face but you can't,  all you do is cry inside while smiling in their face.

My point here is unless you know what the person is going through you should reserve judgements to yourself, even if they've just gained weight just because,  you have no right to make them feel bad and push them to get skinny.  Not everyone was meant to be a size 2. Everyone is beautiful. 

Invincible

Times like these when you are lying on an examination table having someone take an echo of your heart you think, 'what if they find something?' Then you think some more and say to yourself, 'I don't want to die.'

Some days though I think I do, I just want someone just throw a big rock on me so I can get squished ala Looney Toons Wile E. Coyote style when the pain is so intense I can't even sleep. There are days that I just want to give up. I feel helpless, useless and out of options. I know I don't have cancer and I hope I don't because I don't think I'm brave enough to deal with it.

I'm scared.

Better Than Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan

Your love
Is better than ice cream.
Better than anything else that I've tried
And your love
Is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to fight

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way
Down to the place where we started from.

Your love
Is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried
And oh love is better than chocolate.
Everyone here knows how to cry

And it's a long way down
It's a long way down
It's a long way
Down to the place where we started from.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I love this song. It's one of my songs to listen to on a rainy day, where all you want to do is listen to the rain. It could be good for a do nothing kind of day too where you just curl up with a book and let the world pass by.